Lovingkindess is a practice of cultivating compassion, both for ourselves and others. It can be easy to feel love and compassion when people are doing things we like or acting in ways that we want them to. But it can be challenging during those times when people aren’t necessarily acting how we would like them to or when we are faced with aspects of ourselves that we find hard to accept.
Just like we practice the cultivation of mindfulness / present-moment awareness, we can also engage in practice to cultivate compassion, patience and acceptance for ourselves and others. This practice is known as Metta or lovingkindness practice.
It involves the repetition of phrases, and tapping into the intention behind them. Depending on how much time you have to practice, you may choose elements of this practice, for example, offering lovingkindness to yourself as a caregiver, or perhaps focusing on offering lovingkindness to your child.
With this practice, it is also important to notice if an attachment to an outcome arises; to notice that and let it be. The purpose of the practice is to support us in developing compassion for ourselves and for others, rather than expecting others to change as a result of our practice. You can do the entire practice in one sitting or perhaps focus on a specific section if that feels most relevant.
Below is a sample of lovingkindess phrases that you might use. It is not the actual words or phrases that are most important, but rather the intention behind them, so please feel free to use phrases that resonate most with you.
May I / you / we be happy and live with joy
May I / you / we be healthy and strong
May I / you / we be safe and protected
May I / you / we be at peace and live with ease
For the first part of this practice, bringing into your mind’s eye, the image of your child (or one of your children) during a time in which you felt very connected to them. Perhaps it was a pleasant experience that you shared, or maybe a moment when you felt very proud of them... a time when you felt a lot of love - positive feelings towards your child. While holding this image of your child in your mind, repeat silently the phrases of lovingkindness.
May you be happy and live with joy
May you be healthy and strong
May you be safe and protected
May you be at peace and live with ease
When you are ready, invite an image of the same child during a difficult time. Perhaps you are feeling angry or disappointed or frightened with something that they have said or done – or saddened by a choice they have made. Perhaps it was a time of conflict between the two of you. While holding this image of your child in your mind, again repeat the same phrases of lovingkindness. See if you can invite yourself to generate a sense of compassion, even in the midst of a challenging time. Notice if any struggles arise in the mind, or in the body, when saying these phrases. Perhaps feelings of righteousness or a reluctance to let go. See if you might invite yourself back to the phrases. Practicing holding on to compassion, amidst the difficult times, which are bound to happen.
Now, bringing an image of yourself, as a parent or caregiver into your mind’s eye during a time when you felt very positive about yourself as a parent or caregiver. Perhaps at a time when you were feeling connected, responsive, attuned to your child… pleased with yourself in your role as parent/caregiver. While holding this image of yourself in your mind, repeat the phrases of lovingkindness.
May I be happy and live with joy
May I be healthy and strong
May I be safe and protected
May I be at peace and live with ease
If you don’t remember the exact words, that is okay, again, it is the intention behind the repetition of the phrases that is the goal.
Now, bringing into your mind’s eye an image of yourself as a parent/caregiver during a time when you were not so pleased with yourself in a situation. Perhaps this is a time that you 'flipped your lid,' when you responded to your child in a way that you wish you hadn’t. We can often be very hard on ourselves in such moments, very judgmental, and forget that in these situations, we are doing the best that we can. We may see another parent in a challenging situation, and our heart goes out to them. Yet, when we find ourselves in a similar situation, we may be very hard on ourselves. Seeing what it might be like to bring compassion to ourselves even during those times when we may be stressed, maxed out, not necessarily at our best. Not only reserving kindness and compassion for those times when we are “on,” being kind and gentle and forgiving with ourselves when we may be having a hard time.
Repeat the same lovingkindness phrases while holding onto this image of ourselves.
If you find this very challenging, and notice judgement creeping in, perhaps bring into your mind’s eye is slightly less difficult or ‘loaded’ situation and see if that might support the cultivation of compassion towards yourself.
Now, bringing in image of your entire family together, whatever ‘family’ means to you. Repeating the lovingkindness phrases, sending love and compassion to yourself and your family together.
May we be happy and live with joy
May we be healthy and strong
May we be safe and protected
May we be at peace and live with ease
Finally, offering these wishes of loving kindness to all families everywhere.
May we be happy and live with joy
May we be healthy and strong May we be safe and protected
May we be at peace and live with ease